‘There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse. It is the root of all emotional self-control, since all emotions, by their very nature, lead to one or another impulse to act.’  Daniel Goleman[i]

In his book Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ, Daniel Goleman argues that emotional intelligence can prove to be a more significant factor in a child’s future than any other measure of intelligence. Goleman quotes the research done in the 1960s by psychologist Walter Mischel at Stanford University. A group of four-year-olds were offered a marshmallow as a treat. However, if they were willing to wait for the adult to run an errand, they would be allowed two marshmallows when he returned: 

‘Some four-year olds were able to wait what must surely have seemed an endless fifteen to twenty minutes for the experimenter to return. To sustain themselves in their struggle they covered their eyes so they wouldn’t have to stare at temptation, or rested their heads in their arms, talked to themselves, sang, played games with their hands and feet, even tried to go to sleep. These plucky pre-schoolers got the two-marshmallow reward. But others, more impulsive, grabbed the one marshmallow, almost always within seconds of the experimenter’s leaving the room on his ‘errand’.’ 

These four-year-olds were tracked down as they were graduating from high school: 

‘The emotional and social difference between the grab-the-marshmallow preschoolers and their gratification-delaying peers was dramatic. Those who had resisted temptation at four were now, as adolescents, more socially competent: personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to cope with the frustrations of life.’ 

One of the greatest challenges for parents and those who work with young children is helping them to learn to manage their emotions. Indeed, impulsivity seems often to be synonymous with early childhood!

Here are some suggestions for helping children to learn to manage impulsivity: 

Goleman suggests that there are serious consequences from what he calls ‘emotional illiteracy’. He identifies the five aspects of emotional literacy as: 

Developing self-awareness and managing emotions 

As children mature, they often need help in managing their emotions and developing self-awareness. One of the keys to helping children to develop self-awareness and mood management is role-modelling the behaviours that you wish to encourage. In addition to this, children need to have labels for the emotions that they are feeling. Using the language of emotions can help children to identify and then cope with the wide range of emotions that they inevitably experience. Using puppets and small world play can be a useful technique for exploring emotions and practicing appropriate responses and behaviours.  

Self motivation 

Children are born with the strong desire to learn and to make sense of their environment.  They do not need extrinsic motivators to persuade them to explore their world – it is as instinctive to them as their desire to communicate their needs to a parent or caregiver. This intrinsic motivation to learn usually lasts through the toddler stages into the early years. Rarely would a toddler tell his carer that he is ‘bored’. Give him a wooden spoon and two saucepans and he can entertain himself and those around him, whilst learning about cause and effect, or about shape and size and materials, and also improving his hand-eye coordination and physical skills.

Yet research repeatedly shows that as children progress through the education system, their self-motivation declines as their dependence on extrinsic motivators increases (Lepper and Hodell, 1989[ii] ) Sadly, in the early years this transition is sometimes already being made, as children begin to seek extrinsic rewards such as stickers or smiley faces for doing the very activities that at one time would have satisfied them. It is important that we recognise that most young children have a natural drive to learn that has not been tarnished by an emphasis on extrinsic motivators. Children learn best when their curiosity is engaged, when they share ownership of what is being taught and learned, and when the level of challenge is appropriate to individual needs. They should not need the promise of a reward or exaggerated praise to make them engage with learning.  

Handling relationships and developing empathy 

Research suggests that the school drop-out rate is between two and eight times greater for children who are rejected by their peers than for those who have friends. Many children who become ‘rejects’ socially are those who have not learned the skills of being able to read the emotional cues of others. There have been shown to be connections between the social skills of children at the age of seven and the incidence of mental health problems in adult life.  

Some children do seem to have better interpersonal skills than others. Howard Gardner lists these skills as individual ‘intelligences’ in his work on the multiple intelligences. A positive atmosphere in the classroom with an emphasis on cooperation will lead to better interpersonal skills between children. The careful planning of activities with an emphasis on group work will help children to develop the ability to handle relationships and take on different roles within the group. Circle time and well-structured story times can help children to explore issues of friendship within a safe, nurturing environment.  

Twenty-one ways to promote emotional literacy:

1. Ask children to describe what they are going to do, before they do it

2. Stop during stories to ask what children think the characters felt, and how they should act

3. Read and discuss lots of stories that involve emotional dilemmas

4. Give lots of opportunities for role-play

5. Timetable regular sessions for circle time

6. When children are involved in a disagreement, be interested, discuss it calmly, and help them work out solutions

7. If a child misbehaves, help her by going back over the incident, if possible by walking it through. Ask her what she might have done differently

8. Describe how you feel and encourage children to do the same

9. Use reassuring language about emotions, such as, ‘Gosh, I bet you feel cross that….’, or, ‘I would think that you are upset about….’

10. Make regular affirmations about children’s ability to manage their emotions and relationships

11. Organise groups so that the more volatile children follow the lead of their more mature peers

12. Talk about the necessary attitudes for approaching tasks before children begin

13. At plenary sessions talk about the way that children approached tasks in addition to what they achieved

14. Acknowledge children’s successes when handling their emotions

15. Use the vocabulary of emotions regularly: talk about how you felt in situations and encourage children to do the same

16. Display pictures and make books of photos of children’s faces showing different emotions such as sadness, surprise, joy, fear or amazement

17. Make a lotto matching game of faces with different expressions, using photos or clip art from your computer

18. Include discussion of feelings when recalling or recording events on mind maps

19. Use soft toys, puppets, small world characters to replay events and discuss how individuals felt

20. When you read stories, talk about the expressions on the faces of characters, and discuss how they might be feeling

21. Whenever disagreements occur, draw the children together immediately to discuss their emotions and how to deal with them

International Copyright © 2003 Nicola J. Call    All Rights Reserved